I got some hope back. - A
& B - lost a couple followers. Oh well. 😲 Ain’t sweating S H I T.
I hate losing followers. i’m not gonna go hard or anything, but i hate it. Its like i inadvertently did something wrong . Tell me so i can get better? so i can fix the problem..? I hate doing things wrong. Unfollows - i take personally. because i think it reflects you. Because they’re unfollowing my blog which IS me. ): So its like you’re unapproving ME. Something i put my heart into and take my time on y’know… The unapproval part isn’t whats bugging me. Its the part that feels like.. i failed you. You liked my blog & i lost my originality.So you unfollowed me. Soon. can say My blog is dying out. - Wonderful.
I feel like when i move from in front of a camera of any type, i just become deformed. I can take a picture no flash NOTHING, upload it & whatever. & it looks so nice and perfect .. Then i step out of the camera’s view and look in the mirror, at my own reflection to see for myself is this true, am i beautiful? But its like my face got distorted and disfigured. In the span of .5 seconds. I’ve became this hideous, atrotious mole rat that i always thought i was. But do they see it? No, the picture’s perfectly fine. & now, it’s their profile picture for everyone to see. See, judge, criticize. . You name it.
He just sent me the realest text or just even piece of literature i have ever seen, received, gotten. It makes me think . & just see him in a whole new light. I knew he was smart. & real. He just got deep too. It makes me notice how really, i don’t know that much about him. But that he can see a lot more into me.. Then i allow myself to look at the world, into the world, at others; at myself. It’s crazy because literally, my breath is hollow and slightly irregular. I’m ending this post.
- Yes. Because you make me laugh and express myself and say what i want.
I’m afraid because since i don’t do that already, idk if it’ll kind of make him go away, or… if something about me will actually make him stay & me and him will work out somehow. He’s an interesting character. I see why i’m attracted to him. Can’t pinpoint all the reasons though.
Everytime i think about him, 98.5% of the time, i get that much happier and smile. Especially after we talk.
Problem 1 - Biggest (i think):
This him…? Isn’t my boyfriend though.& i Have a boyfriend
P2: After i talk to him, i always smile so much & get happy. . So i told my cousin who goes to the same school as me & was right there. She can’t keep her mouth shut. So. I have to tell her i dont like him anymore. I told her today . well yesterday 3/7/12. Since its 12:15am on the dot. So its 3/8/12& later today, i’ll tell her false alarm. (: She WILL bug me about him otherwise. and Tell her sister, who will tell the world. Sometimes family judt cant be trusted. Oh well.
P3: Mixed Signals. I dislike mixed signals. I mean.. he waited for me after our ONE class today.. Just to bully me. xP lol. then he walked away kinda. I even have a nickname for him. (: That he knowsss about. He bugs me sometimes… & bullys me. Always has something to say when he sees me though. Lol. His way of saying he likes me,? Childish but oh well. We’ll see though…Give me til June. oh. That reminds me…
P4: Sophmore = Me. Senior = Him. Course there’s no problem . But if we diddd last a long time, He has a scholarship already so his college is already guaranteed. It could be in Nevada for all i know. I think its in Queens though. But lets say its in nevada.. Thats the end of us I’d think. Cause I wouldn’t be able to go THERE&
he probably wouldn’t be able to come here unless he was visiting family.- Holidays.. & i doubt he’d be the type to do long distance relationships. So..yeah
P5: I say So… Yeah. A lot. Or just Yeah or Just So. Or in other phrases like i say and .. yeah a lot too. Mmmmmmhm.
P6: I still have a boyfriend.
P7: I still like the other guy. - Previously stated problems. Just thought i’s reminda ya. If you’re still actually reading this.
Havent been on tumblr mearly half as much. Good and BAD.. not much else to say. but when i come back on.. X____X
Pity, Self-Pity, Pity, i never was a big fan of it…
First first: Stop lying to myself.
- What do you think needs fixing when you look in the mirror? … Everything.
Dos(2): Fix everything about my body in every angle.
3: Be perfect & accepted in society in every possible way. That’s be nice, eh?
4th: Be smart enough to know exactly everything the government is doing & get through school with a’s & get a good job & a well respected profession.
5: Find myself .
6: Discover what’s wrong with me & why i hate myself so much.
+ Society, life, imperfections.. -Sigh.
I’ve failed horribly.. @ that challenge. So.. i’m starting again at 12… (: Update everyday.
